Friday, 10 February 2012

Going Back to Black

Usually I'll write a cutesy little story to go along with my blog post but the Back2Black event begins tomorrow (11th) and I'm blogging 22769's item (is a full outfit but I loved the jumper most) which will be at the event.

Back2Black is an event to highlight mental health illnesses.
Since I was about 11 or 12 I've had mood fluctuations, who doesn't at that age? But I lived in a household where my sister suffered from severe depression due to bullying and anorexia because at 7st people called her fat.
She got better, thankfully, though I don't remember much of that time, I don't remember anyone telling me she had depression or anorexia, I just guessed.. I stayed at the school my sister was bullied at while she dropped out and moved to a private school, she got better but when I was 17 she had a nasty breakup, now we have a very open household and I wandered into the bathroom while she was in the bath. The only thing I can describe is one of the photographs at Auschwitz, where the bodies lay there dead and emaciated but what lay in the bath was my living, breathing, skeletal sister, all I could smell was the overpowering smell of pear drops, also known as ketones, ketones are produced when your body starts digesting it's own fat because you have no nutrients coming in or left with you..
I won't lie, I started screaming at her, I don't cope the way my parents did by weedling her to eat, I just would scream and scream, one day I threatened if she didn't eat we'd play suffragettes and I'd force feed her..

22769 Back2Black HomeDress and Willow Maxi Skirt

I digress. Growing up in that situation probably screwed me over a little bit. Just under a year ago I started using the app "My Fitness Pal", I weighed myself obsessively, if I hadn't lost weight I'd not eat, I went from being a healthy 9st 10/11 to 8st 12, still a healthy weight but at my height (5tf 7) I looked terrible. Peter told me, my friends told me and my family told me.
Along with this I was having violent mood swings, honestly I don't remember much of this.. I ask Pete now and again what I was like and he tells me I was vile, unbearable and difficult.. I guess I must have been. He begged me to get help but wouldn't force me to go, he said if I needed help I had to go myself.

One day I finished work early and went through my university campus on the bus.. inside I was tearing myself apart, do I stay on the bus or do I get off and walk into the doctors?
I stayed on the bus..
The next day I walked into the doctors and broke down to a nurse who hurridly made me an appointment with the doctor. When the doctor asked me what made me come to get help I told her
"I got let out of placement early"

I was already on low dose tricyclic antidepressants for my migraines so she upped them to work as both migraine relief and anti-depressants, the first two weeks were murder, my moods flew off the handle but slowly I got better.
I was still trying to lose weight though.. then, when my housemates were out the house I was running from the shower to my room and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, dropping my towel I looked at myself and all I could think was
"WHERE the hell have my boobs gone?!"
22769 Valentines Store Hunt
Sadly, that was my turning point, not people's concerns, not the doctor, not my family nor the love of my life
My boobs, I had fried eggs where I once had some nice teacups
Peter, dog and I went on holiday to Cornwall for a week and I stopped using the app.
I did a traithlon in May.
In September I helped Pete get diagnosed with depression (work related) I supported him through finding the job of his dreams, moving 80 miles from me and now he is detoxing from his antidepressants. I'm still on mine and still have low moods but I feel so much better now.
22769 Zombie Popcorn Hunt Gift

The one thing I can say if you find yourself in this situation is seek help, don't go it alone, so many people care enough to see you get better.

Anyway.. credits for the pictures:

Pic 1
Jumper by 22769 @ Back2Black (150L)
MESH Skirt @ Willow (50L)
Hair @ lamb
Boots @ Decoy (285L)

Pic 2
Whole Outfit (inc shoes & tights) @ 22769 (Valentines Hunt)
Hair by Exile @ TDR - old item

Pic 3
Dress @ 22769 (Zombie Popcorn Hunt)
Hair by Exile @ TDR - old item
Socks @  a piece of candy (1L)
Shoes @ DECO (old FLF)

B/Saff xx


Fauna Moonwall said...

This blog post was shared with me and I'd like to thank you for sharing such personal information that cannot have been an easy decision. With a little understanding and compassion we can all make a difference but understanding is key.

Serafina Skytower said...

Saffron, thank you for sharing. I have battled depression, anxiety, and panic attacks since I was little. It's encouraging to know that someone else knows how I feel. It's very hard to share that information with the world, with the view that people have on mental illnesses. Thank you for helping to provide awareness :-)